Me: Miss Hepburn, I had the strangest dream. I—
KH: Oh good lord, not a dream story. Don't you know that dreams are never as interesting to the listener as they are to the dreamer?
Me: Actually, yes, I know that, but—
KH: Well, if you're determined to tell it.
Me: I dreamed that I was chaperoning Bill Clinton to his surprise birthday party. Madeline Albright was there, of course, and Tippi Hedren. And I was trying to keep track of who was ordering the steak and who was ordering the lamb by poking holes in a dinner roll with the tines of a fork. Needless to say, this wasn't very—
KH: What on God's green earth are you talking about?
Me: Yes, exactly, it was very confusing. And sort of upsetting.
KH: You must be easily upset.
Me: People were waiting...I couldn't keep track of anything...Bill was getting annoyed...
KH: And what do you think this means?
Me: Well, it may have to do with the couch.
KH: Of course it does.
Me: The 900-pound couch is finally gone. There are huge divets in the carpet where it used to be. After getting rejected by the Salvation Army—
KH: You do have a gift.
Me: —I put it on Craigslist under "Free" and a nice guy and his big, strong teenage son came and took it away.
KH: Excellent. The couch needed to go. So what does this have to do with Bill Clinton?
Me: Well, nothing, obviously. But we're in a state of chaos here.
KH: Oh, you don't know the meaning of chaos. Have you seen me play a Chinese peasant in Dragon Seed?
Me: Okay, "chaos" is a little strong. "Disarray."
KH: You're selling your home and moving across the country. Did you expect to remain arrayed?
Me: I donated my wedding china to the UCLA Thrift Store, and the framed James and the Giant Peach poster from The Child's room. We're shredding years' worth of ancient bank statements. We have carpet samples on the floor and boxes everywhere. Some even have things in them.
Me: Well, that's it, I guess. I just feel so...scattered. So out of order.
KH: It's the disorder before the order, that's all. Think of the disorder I put poor Cary Grant through in Bringing Up Baby. And that ended happily, didn't it?
Me: It did.
KH: And you do realize you're not the first person ever to do this?
Me: Yes, of course I do. It's just odd, watching your life history evaporate in front of your eyes.
KH: Oh, let's avoid the melodrama, shall we? Joan Crawford you are not.
KH: Now just roll up your sleeves and dive right in. Do the work.
Me: I am.
KH: No, you're not. You're sitting here talking to me. Go to it! Work clockwise! Don't touch anything twice! Take pictures of things to remember them by if you must, then throw them out! Take charge!
Me: Yes, ma'am!
KH: Just don't ask me to help.